5 lessons I learned from adding more mindfulness to my life
In the first quarter of 2024, my husband and I took an 8-week Mindful Parenting course in German. The course is based on the book by Susan Bögels and is based on a similar mindfulness practice as the Mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR) course by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It focuses on mindfulness and self-compassion and aims to integrate a regular mindfulness practice into the busy lives of parents.
While I’ve been using the Headspace app for meditation for years, it has mainly been a tool that has been effective in dealing with anxiety and stress. I hadn’t really built up any regular meditation practice and though it’s been on my list of things to do, I somehow struggled to even find 5 minutes to simply sit down and meditate.
When we started this course, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. However, I soon realised that the course included some tools that I had identified as very helpful for myself in dealing with those seasons of life with small kids that often feel overwhelming, where we do not have time to look after ourselves and feel on the edge of parental burnout most days, where we fall into bed exhausted most days once our kids finally fell asleep and can’t decide between closing our eyes because we are so tired or doing something that we enjoy because we never have any time to ourselves.
The main tools that helped me on my parenthood journey and that were featured in this course are:
mindfulness
gratitude
self-compassion
For me, unlike my husband who had never really been in contact with any of these tools, a lot was already known, but the course helped me bring all these different practices together and create a more regular routine. I also really appreciated the space to share and reflect together in our small group of mothers, fathers and even a grandmother. The exchange we had from these different perspectives was really interesting and helped see other points of view than my own.
So let me share 5 things that I have learned throughout this 8-week course:
Meditation is magic! As I said, I’ve been doing meditations for the past 8 years, mostly when I was feeling really anxious and stressed, but I never got into a regular routine. Once I started this course, I rapidly saw the impact my practice had on my day-to-day life. One big thing I have been struggling with are the big emotions of my youngest son and I often got triggered for example when he screamed or cried because he didn’t agree with me. Even two weeks into the course, I noticed a difference in the way I react in these situations. Before, I’d often be on auto-pilot and start screaming out of frustration or overwhelm. Now I feel more calm, more patient - at least on the outside. I am able to talk to him, to acknowledge his feelings and sit with him until he can calm down, without exploding myself - and when that still happens, I am very aware that this is an automatic reaction that I am unable to stop because I am feeling overwhelmed and have the necessary tools (such as breathing techniques) to calm myself them and support my son.
We can’t avoid toddler tantrums, but we can decide how we show up for them. Toddlerhood - just like baby sleep - was one of those topics that I had a lot of respect of before becoming a mom. It has a very bad reputation - the screaming kids in the supermarket, running around and then lying on the floor until they get what they want, etc. So when my first son turned one, I tried to prepare myself and read up on what strategies would support him to make the tantrums end. There is so much advice out there and some of it is really good in my opinion. However, when I tried these strategies with my kids, the tantrums still continued and I felt like a failure, doing it all wrong.
The Mindful Parenting course helped me to understand that my child will continue to have big emotions and that’s ok. What I can offer him is the way I handle them, the patience and understanding I show him, a space to express these emotions. I am defining our relationship through the way that I act, and that’s the key of supporting a toddler.
Trust your kids to be ok! This is a lesson that I really took to heart, mostly also because it came from an older participant in our course, a grandmother who was regularly looking after her grandchildren and wanted to be more mindful on this journey. Someone who had gone through what we are going through right now, who has raised children and can look back on their experience. As parents, we worry so much - but somewhere we need to have that trust in our children that they will find their path. It may not look like ours, it may not be what we expected it to be, it may take twists and turns. But they will be ok. If only because as parents, we’ve given them the best tools we can on this journey so they are equipped to deal with any challenges or decisions that life throws their way.
Mindfulness helps to feel less overwhelmed. There’s no doubt that we all have these massive to do lists that only seem to be growing despite all the time we spend ticking off tasks. While mindfulness will not reduce the to do’s, I have noticed that often when I’m at home with the boys and trying to prepare them food, do the dishes, empty the dishwasher, throw in a wash, clear away toys, etc. I get annoyed at the kids for not playing on their own so that I can get all the stuff done.
In these moments, I now try to focus on what’s most important: are the kids hungry? Do they want me to play with them? Do they have too much energy and could use some time outside in the fresh air, running around, playing football? I’ll tend to what’s most important find, being mindful of only focusing on that one task. The household can wait - it’s mostly ME feeling that it all needs to be done right now. To be fair, I feel much less anxious when I have a clear kitchen and know that part of the wash is being done. But there will be moments where I can tend to that when the kids are playing on their own for a short while - and there are those moments where it benefits us all to take a step back, see what’s essential and just focus on that for a little while.
Gift yourself that time and space to sit down and just be on a regular basis. As parents, we can’t always choose when we need a quiet moment. Especially smaller kids want to be with us all the time - and it can get overwhelming, particularly when you are a highly-sensitive parent like me. While I’ve been experimenting with meditation for several years, I always saw it as something that I “needed” to do in order to feel less anxious. So I’d try to squeeze in 5-10 minutes of meditation just before bedtime, or whenever I thought of it in my busy day and had a moment. What I realised during this mindful parenting course is that those 5-10 minutes are great, but it’s become a true luxury to be able to sit down for 20-30 minutes undisturbed, either with a meditation or just sitting in silence. I often get overwhelmed by the noise, emotions and constant needs of the kids in my day-to-day life, especially when I’m solely in charge of them, that these quiet 30 minutes at the end of the day allow me to find a deep sense of relaxation and really calm down my nervous system. If you’ve never done a longer meditation before, I’d definitely recommend giving it a try and seeing how it feels for you!
NB. Any links referred in this blog post have been included for information purpose in order to share some things I’ve enjoyed. I do not earn anything on sharing them. #unpaidads