A breastfeeding journey

I recently did a market research survey to find out what challenges working mothers are currently facing and how I can support them with my work. One thing that came up is that as mothers, we often don't have the time to look after ourselves and our own needs because we are too busy looking after our children, our families, the household and our jobs. At times, even identifying your own needs can be difficult - for example when you are still in that baby bubble and fog of lack of sleep, constant cuddles and breastfeeding.

I say breastfeeding because in my personal experience, even though I know all the benefits of breastfeeding and I was determined to breastfeed my children for as long as they wanted to, it also meant for me that I could not be away from the baby too much, or that this involved a lot of organisation. With my first son, I felt more balanced and I got a decent amount of sleep because he is generally a good sleeper. I did not feel the need to spent too much time away from him. Just before he turned one, we moved from one lockdown into the next, so life got turned upside down and I actually enjoyed the newfound free time that I had as soon as my baby went to sleep at 7.30pm for yoga, journaling, reading books and little date nights with my husband. We had only been breastfeeding once a day in the morning for a couple of weeks, as my son ate a lot of solids and did not need the milk anymore. As we were anyhow stuck at home, I decided to keep on breastfeeding for another three months until he was 15 months old and had his first sleepover at his grandma’s. At that point, it felt right for me to stop and he did not ask for it anymore either.

With my second baby, a lot was very different. First of all, there was another child I had to look after with his own set of needs (and let's face it, toddlers are not very patient by nature). Our baby woke several times during the night for feeding and/or comfort and for the first 4 weeks, it felt like he hardly slept at all, simply because he did not like sleeping on his back. He also did not like the stroller so we spent hours walking around with him in the carrier. And once we offered him food, he only ate 1-2 spoons of mashed fruits and vegetables and preferred grabbing what we'd be eating and putting it into his mouth. This also meant that in the first year of his life, he still relied a lot on milk as a big part of his nourishment - which is absolutely normal, but was still very different from the first experience we had had.

As I struggle a lot with lack of sleep, I was quite early confronted with the question of what my needs were in order to avoid burnout, find more patience and understanding and be able to grow as a mother. It was for me a mentally challenging period of my life that included a very long process of letting go. For some reason (I didn't dive to much into it, but it lies in the lines of perfectionism, societal pressure and my own expectations), I absolutely wanted to avoid giving my children formula and exclusively breastfeed until they were at least 1. At some point in the first six months, I had to start letting go because the lack of sleep was affecting me so much that I was worried about my mental health. We gradually swapped the night feeding for formula milk, until I stopped breastfeeding at around 10 months.

This decision allowed me to regain a lot of freedom - time for myself where I could just savour moments of quiet, doing things that I enjoyed, without having to worry about pumping and storing milk. Part of the decision was for sure related to our societal norms: this time round, I retourned to work when my son was 7 months old. Though I was working from home a lot, on the one hand, we still had external activities and workshops that required me to be present in person, and on the other hand, I had a hard time adjusting to several changes that had occured at my work place while I had been away and therefore needed even more time for self-care.

But it was also a decision that I took in order to show up more patiently and happily for my children. I needed the rest and the time off in order to fill my cup, and the stress of pumping and preparing milk often was so time-consuming that it did not feel worth it to leave my family at all. With breastfeeding, it’s often hard to set boundaries because we spend so many intimate moments with our children, giving them what is best for them. But ultimately, we also need to be aware of what is best for our whole family and try to find a way to make this work with our own and our baby’s needs.

With my second baby, breastfeeding was such a smooth journey from the beginning. Looking back, I even think that it was so simple that tried to overcomplicate it at times. Yet as much as I love both my children, breastfeeding was not my favourite part of the first year of their lives. It's insanely practical, there's no doubt to that, and I know all the benefits - but I simply did not feel the immense joy of being able to share this moment with my child like other moms describe it. Maybe this made letting go of it easier - or maybe it made it harder because I put pressure on myself to push through. But at the end of the day, I would do it all over again, though I would also allow myself the flexibility of seeing how the journey goes and taking the decisions that are best for myself, my baby and my family.

So here's a whole post on breastfeeding when actually, I wanted to talk about identifying my needs as a mom. For me, while I was breastfeeding, I was in a little bubble with my baby, in our own little world, where there was often no space to reflect on my needs. And while this was fine with our first son and I got a lot of time to reflect during the pandemic, with my second son (and also life returning to normal again in 2022), things were really different. I had to take time to reflect on my needs in order to be able to look after myself and avoid burnout.

Identifying your needs

Which leads me to one big question: what are my needs in this season of life? When I am stressed and overwhelmed, I can feel that my body and mind are struggling to focus on what they need. I really need to force myself sometimes to have a break, sit down and reflect. But I also know that it’s so worth it because it always makes me feel better.

So in this season of life, my needs include spending quality time with my family, including time alone with the kids and date nights with my husband, scheduling exercise 2-3 times a week to get back into a healthy routine with my body and resting in the evenings when possible (reading, meditation, yoga, journaling and bedtime by 10pm). It also means being present and putting my phone away as much as possible to enjoy the time I have with the boys, but also planning in enough time when they are looked after so I can either do something that fills my cup or look after the household (because a chaotic house makes me feel stressed and anxious and at the same time, having to clear up with the kids around is often really difficult to juggle).

What are your needs right now? I’d love to hear your thoughts - and if you struggle to identify them, my 1:1 mini coaching programme Back to Work might be just the right fit for you! It’s a limited offer that I’m selling until the end of September. You’ll find all the infos here