A girls’ weekend away and the conflicted feelings of a mother
A few weeks ago, I spent two nights away from my family in Paris shopping for wedding dresses with a friend - and it was exactly what I needed, yet so hard at the same time!
As a mom, I spend my time trying to juggle a lot of things: each kids’ demands and needs, a household, a partnership, friendships, setting up a new business, my own needs… And let me tell you: it has not always been easy! I underestimated what it meant to have a second child: another human to look after, another human who screams, another human who needs me. I have eased into the routine of being a mom of two in the past 18 months, but it definitely took me longer than I expected and it involved a lot of mindset work on my side, of letting go of my expectations, of perfectionism, of being on the edge of burnout, of looking for new ways and strategies to get through the days with my kids and not spending a big part of my time screaming at them and being impatient.
Looking after myself has become a big topic for me in the past year. I realised that I needed that time away from my family, on my own, doing something I enjoy, because my body and mind needed to rest and recharge. As hard as it may be as a parent, when you always want to be able to show up for your child, you will have to look after yourself first, because if you are not well, you cannot be there for them. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.
For me, in a last minute twist of unpredictable events, it meant that I spontaneously was free on the weekend that my friend wanted to go look at wedding dresses in Paris, so we decided on a whim to spend a day shopping together.
And it was just what I needed. Some quality time with a close friend, just the two of us shopping like we used to do before we had children, walking around in a big city and taking dessert breaks. All that topped of with lovely chats and catching up as we hadn’t seen each other in a while.
Sometimes, having that time to myself looks like a weekend trip to Paris, but most of the time, it’s a yoga class, date night with my husband, a short walk outside on my own, a 10-minute meditation, a half hour on my own in the morning for my morning routine, sleeping in while my husband gets up on a weekend day, taking 15 minutes to read a book while the kids play happily and my husband is in the room with them or just stepping out of the room to take 5 deep breaths.
Yet, even since becoming a mom, being away from my child has been overcast with certain feelings.
The Guilt
Mom guilt is real and so ever present. I feel guilty being away from my children when I could be spending time with them, with my family. I ask myself if I really need this break, if I really need to go away for so long, if a yoga class or a dinner with a friend would not be enough. Yet guilt is such a useless feeling. The first time I read this on a blog, it felt like one of these lightbulb moments. Guilt makes me feel really bad, but it doesn’t make things better. If I feel guilty, I will only half enjoy my time away, I will feel bad for a part of my trip, I won’t be able to enjoy it and fill up my cup so that I can show up better for my kids. My family does not benefit from me feeling guilty, it’s rather the opposite. I know that my husband supports me and wants to give me the space that I need whenever he can. He can handle the kids on his own and he has additional support If he would like a break. Interestingly, he also does not get this feeling of guilt when he is away: he feels bad about leaving all the work to me and not being there to support me, but he does not have this feeling of guilt that he shouldn’t be doing what he is doing.
What has helped when I experience mom guilt:
Telling myself that guilt is a useless feeling that does not benefit me, my kids or my husband
Becoming aware of the moments when guilt creeps up and trying to let go of it
Reframing the guilt by listing the reasons why I need this break and how it will benefit me and my family
Taking some time to journal about the feeling of guilt and see what comes up
For me, the benefits of taking regular breaks and time for myself and activities that fill up my cup are very clear: it allows me to show up as a more patient, more calm mother and wife. I have more energy to accompany my sons’ tantrums, to ask myself what is going on with them that they are acting the way they are and to find ways to show them compassion and understanding. If I don’t get these regular breaks, I am more impatient and I tend to get loud much quicker, especially on those days when I did not have enough sleep and/or we’ve had multiple toddler meltdowns and discussions.
Feelings of anxiety
I have always been an anxious person, worrying about what might happen, looking at the negative rather than the positive. I’ve vowed that I won’t let anxiety get in the way of things that I want to do, yet at times it’s not that easy. A full-time job and wedding preparations nearly 8 years ago increased my anxiety quite drastically. Through mindfulness and yoga, I managed to get through that busy season of my life and it’s helped me reduce my feelings of anxiety to the point of nearly disappearing in the past years.
Yet somehow, when I am stressed, anxiety tends to creep up again. One stressor recently has been our move at the end of June - moving house with two little kids is definitely not for the faint-hearted! I’ve been warned of burnout and tried to be mindful of my needs, my body’s needs and what will help me get through this really busy and stressful period of life.
But anxiety also creeps up for me when I travel - and it’s been worse when travelling on my own. I worry about something happening to my children while I’m away, I worry about the unknown adventure that lays ahead of me, of something that could happen to me while on my trip. And when I fly, I worry about the flight, because even though I take the airplane regularly and have all of my life to visit my family in Singapore, sometime around my teen years, my fear of flying developed and it’s never really gone away (I very clearly remember a particularly bumpy flight as a kid when the passenger next to us was desperately clutching to the air sickness bag while I was just giggling away and thinking that the air bumps were very funny).
What has helped me with anxiety:
one big thing that has been helpful has been exploring the feeling (on my own, with a therapist) and being aware of it. I know how it feels now and I can name it once it creeps up - which also means that I can use some techniques that help me deal with it as soon as I realise this.
Yoga, meditation and mindfulness have been so helpful when dealing with anxiety. I’ve been using the Headspace meditation app for a couple of years now and refer to their anxiety meditation series when needed. I also try to focus on a regular yoga practice when it feels like this would benefit me, either in the studio or at home.
Knowing how to reduce my stress. This is a tricky one. I struggle with very stressful situations so I try to plan ahead as much as possible (not always easy with a partner who functions in the opposite way ;). For our move, we planned 3 days for packing & moving, without kids. But I did not want to work day & night for 3 days in order to get everything done, so I started a planner in Spring and revised it every couple of weeks depending on how we moved forward with the tasks. There have been moments of anxiety, looking at the endless to do lists and feeling completely overwhelmed. But once we got in the flow of packing and clearing, we managed to move forward step by step (having a babysitter come over to look after the kids is also a very effective way of getting things done as we know that we have this limited period of time to do as much as possible). A week before the move, I feel a bit stressed but at the same time surprisingly quite calm. There is no overwhelm, because I know that we have done a lot of work already and that I have time planned into my schedule to pack, yet I have also scheduled some rest and activities that I enjoy doing, which makes this period seem less stressful and more joyful.
Do you get to spend time away from your children? How does it make you feel? If this is something that you’d like to discuss during a coaching call, I’d love to offer you a first free 45-minute session. Just drop me a mail at lynn@thecreativespace.ch and we’ll set it up!