Creating the life that works for yourself and your family
Motherhood is hard - the sleepless nights, fulfilling needs of tiny humans, toddler tantrums and opinionated little kids. There is so much joy to it, but at times, it feels like we are stuck in a hamster wheel, just functioning from one day to the next and not having the time to take a breath.
If you are a millenial like me, you grew up believing that you can have it all: the career, the family, the life you’ve always dreamed about (read more in my previous blog post). While in theory, this sounds great, once we become mothers, a lot of things change and it takes a lot of effort to not fall into the old patterns of the woman looking after the house and family while the man is going to work. It may take time for society to shift, but we can start by creating the relationship, household and family that works for us and our partner.
Finding the solution that works in this season of life
First of all, I’d like to ask you this: have you already thought of how you’d like your life to look like? Have you taken the time to reflect on what you want from your career at this point in your life - be it shortly after the birth of your child, or if your kids are already older? Often, we decide about our career and childcare situation before the children are born, before even meeting the tiny human that will become part of our family, before even knowing what it feels like to become a parent - we discuss it with our partners, we make a plan. But we don’t take into account the whole transformation we go through as mothers, as parents, as soon as we become responsible for a tiny human. Every parent, every child is different, but one thing that is sure is that becoming a parent - and even more so when becoming a mother - marks a big transition in our lives.
The first step is in my opinion a very simple one, but yet one that we often overlook, don’t think about. Take a moment and ask yourself how you’d like your life to look like. What is the ideal situation for you and your family - if you had all the money, all the support that you’d need? How would you like your career to look like? Dare to dream big - thing about the good, the challenges, the lessons you have already learned. Write it down if you like or take a moment to share your thoughts with someone close to you.
Maybe the life you’re dreaming of is not possible because you’d like to reduce your work hours but your employer refuses this, maybe you’d like to work less hours but it’s financially not possible. This exercise is about reflecting on how you’d like your life to look like and what little step into that direction feels manageable in the season of life that you are in right now. For me, my dream life involves living by the beach and working as a freelance writer. We live in a landlocked country in a rural area. The choices we made that have lead us here make sense for our family right now - but I’m still holding onto to that dream, because I see different ways that I can make it happen in the near or distant future. This blog and my business are for me small steps into the direction of the independence of working freelance that I can take right now.
I’ve recorded a short visualisation called The Best Possible Self that could inspire you to reflect on these different topics. The visualisation isn’t particularly focused on your career but on life in general - you can tailor it to your needs though.
Once you’ve gained some clarity on what you’d like to achieve in your career, how you’d like your life to look like for yourself and your family, take some time to reflect - maybe also with your partner - on what is possible. Some points to reflect on here can be:
your family’s needs
your own needs
your financial situation
the opportunities and challenges you are facing in your current situation
the support you need vs. the support you get (from people close to you but also from society in general)
While it takes time for society to shift, we can start by working on our relationship and sharing the load with our partners. This includes giving them the responsibility, them taking it and us letting go of it. Accepting that they have their way of doing things and that it’ll also be ok. Defining together minimum standards for the things that we feel non-negociable.
Sharing the mental load
It may sound very unromantic, but with so many different needs, appointments and responsibilities, family life does in many ways ressemble to a project that needs to be managed. You may not find it sexy to schedule spontaneous family outings or date nights at home just like you plan your next work project - but with SO much on our minds, these things often will not happen if we don’t set aside a specific time for them.
In order to share the mental load, it’s important to make it visibile, so that every family member is aware of the tasks that need to be done. In our family, we use Trello for all our to dos and little projects. Here we can write down everything that’s on our minds - from the cellar cupboard that needs rearranging, over the new shoes our kids need because they’ve outgrown them to the next Dr’s appointments. We then try to sit together weekly, look at the appointments for the next week and decide what to do’s need to be done and who is in charge.
Finding the right time for these weekly meetings is right now the most challenging part. Sunday evenings when the kids are in bed have been our first obvious choice, but I am often tired and find it hard to concentrate once the kids are in bed, especially as they often sleep slightly later than usual on Sundays. What has worked best has been to ask our babysitter to come an hour earlier on our date nights, so we could go out for a drink and discuss the different topics. Another possibility could be to allow the children to watch some TV during the day while the parents have their weekly meeting. We haven’t tried this yet but I feel that a late afternoon Paw Patrol date for the boys could be a good way to make it work for everyone on an even more regular basis.
Finding the right system and tools in family planning might take some time, patience and trial & error. I’ve put together a couple of questions to reflect on on your own and with your partner in order to find out what works best in your family:
What are your strengths?
What are your weaknesses?
What would you like to do more of?
What is important to you in your family life?
What are your family values?
What are your priorities?
What causes you the most stress?
What can you let go of in this season of life?
Sometimes, we spend a lot of time and energy on tasks that we really do not enjoy, only to realise that it is something that our partner actually would like doing - we just didn’t know!
Other times, we have very different ways of doing things. My husband is much faster in getting the boys ready and leaving the house, while I am constantly checking that I have packed everything and therefor need much more time. At the end though, it’s about accepting that we do things differently, that there is no ONE right way and that we can deal with problems IF they arise. We learn from our mistakes and grow stronger, but also closer as a team if we allow each other to do things our own way and accept our differences.
How do you organise your family life? Are you a planner or do you go with the flow and it works out for you?
If this is something you’d like to reflect on a bit further, have a look at my 90-minutes deep dive coaching sessions where we can explore together where you are at and what would support you and your family in this season of your life. Drop me a mail to schedule a free connection call to get to know more.