Thoughts on postpartum depression
While recently reading a post on postpartum depression on Substack, I started reflecting on my own journey. The author explains “why unkind men, not hormones, are the leading cause of postpartum depression”. While I personally wouldn’t put the entire blame on men, I do agree that society in general is also playing an important role. But let me start from the beginning…
Postpartum depression is a term that every new mother usually comes across at some point or another during her pregnancy or after the birth of her child - at least in our Western society. I heard stories of friends crying for a day after the birth of their baby and was warned by the midwife in our prenatal class that this would most likely happen. I was aware of the symptoms and was warned that the hormone drop after the birth would cause an emotional rollercoaster ride.
In short, I had prepared myself for some mentally challenging weeks after the births of my children. And I’m sure that I do not remember all of it very accurately at this point, but I know for sure that I didn’t go through any periods of continuous crying. Sure, I was overwhelmed, because I suddenly held a tiny human in my arms that I needed to keep alive (often on my own) and that demanded my attention 24/7. I was recovering from birth, I felt like my pelvic floor was being sucked into the earth every time I got out of bed and I had no idea how to feed or change the diapers of this tiny human that I was now responsible for and that I started worrying about from the moment he was laid into my arms.
Six months after my second son was born, I was sleep-deprived, overwhelmed by trying to juggle the needs of two tiny humans (let alone my own needs), feeling very conflicted about our breastfeeding journey, weighed down by massive mom guilt every time that I wasn’t with my child (even if I knew that I needed to have time for myself in order to keep sane) and still trying to grasp what it meant to be a mother of 2. This transition was for me the hardest, because I expected it to be easier - after all I knew how to feed a baby and change diapers. What I hadn’t properly reflected on - and it may sound silly in a way - was that there would be another person with needs and demands that I would be responsible for. It took for me a really long time to adjust to this, to feel that I was able to leave the house with two children, to not feel completely overwhelmed because they constantly needed me (let’s face it, I still do get overwhelmed at times now that they are 2 and 5, but definitely way less than before).
In the midst of this rollercoaster ride that was not due to the drop of hormones right after birth (or my hormones were very slow to drop…), I had a chat with a health professional that had been with me during the two pregnancies and births. I clearly remember that it was a day where I had been feeling quite good, quite positive. I was sharing the struggles we were facing as a family with her, but also realised that we had made so much progress and things felt already easier than a couple of weeks earlier.
So imagine my shock when her very clear answer was that she suspected I had postpartum depression! Every part of me was screaming that his was not true, that I was not depressed and that I did not need any medication in order to “fix” this. I was exhausted and I simply needed multiple long stretches of unbroken sleep to recover. Now of course, many people with depression are not willing to accept their diagnosis at first, so I did take this comment seriously and arranged appointments with my doctor as well as my therapist. Both agreed that I was exhausted and overwhelmed, but that anti-depressants would not really support me in this situation.
So what was I really going through? In my opinion (as a non-medical professional, but also as the person who lives in my body every day and takes the time to listen to it), I was simply exhausted by the demands of modern parenting. Because it is hard! So many statistics show that mothers still take on a big chunk of the responsabilities around parenting and running the household. I feel that around me, things are slowly changing. More and more fathers I know reduce their work hours to look after their children, they want to be involved in their lives. But it’s a slow progress: I still hear stories of reluctant employers, especially for men in higher managerial positions, and a lot of the mental load still stays with the women. (NB: I am also aware that I live in a certain type of environment and that I am surrounded by a lot of white parents where both partners studied and are working in well-paid positions.)
For me, the lack of sleep is something that my body really struggles to deal with. Even now, when my husband (who is the one getting up most of the nights once we realised that he had more energy to do so and better sleep habits) is away for a couple of nights, it is really hard for me. I’m weighed down by the stress of being solely responsible for my children, especially my two-year-old who regularly wakes at night.
All of this, along with the responsibilities that come with motherhood, made me feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I felt closer to burnout than to depression, and all I wanted was just to sleep. However, as a sleep-deprived mother, there is not much support in our health care system or society here in Switzerland. There is understanding - of course - from health care providers who are parents, but there seems to be no actual solution as to what to do. I talked to different health professionals at various points of my motherhood journey and the solutions they brought up - if any - where simply not possible for us.
Let me share some suggestions and ideas that came up during various discussions in the first year of my second baby’s life, that have supported us on our journey as a family and helped me grow stronger and more confident one step at a time:
The biggest lesson I had to learn was that despite all the expectations I had, despite my perfectionism, despite efforts to support my mental health, every pregnancy, every postpartum period and every child are different. I had to let go of all of this and face the situation I was in: I was sleep-deprived and close to burnout. I could choose to hold on to the expectations I had for myself (look after my son in the nights, breastfeed at least until he is 1 year old, being there for both children as much as possible) and slowly go down a very slippery road which started with strong mood swings, exhaustion, etc. Or I could find another way that works for me and helps me protect my mental health. Which led to…
…my husband taking over most of the nights. We realised that he dealt better with the lack of sleep, that he needed less sleep and most importantly, that he could just return to bed and fall asleep within minutes while I would lay awake for an hour. It’s a work in progress but that period of our lives forced us to rebalance our responsibitilies within the family in many ways, to the point that we’ve found a system that still works for us most of the time today.
My mother-in-law and our neighbours supported us with childcare as much as they could. My mother-in-law would spend a night with us every few weeks and look after the boys during the night. Very early on, she also took them to her place for a night or two, which gave us the possibility to recover a little bit. Our former neighbours are like additional grandparents for our children. As they lived next door in the first 18 months of my second baby’s life, it was easy for us to ask them for support when they were around - even if it was just to bring the kids to nursery or look after them for 2h while I rested.
This was the immediate childcare support we managed to get for our children without having to resort to any “emergency” help that the kids did not know (and which would have potentially made it even more challenging for our baby who was only a couple of months old). At the same time, these people also had their own lives and were not available every time that we needed help, but we are very grateful to have them in our lives and for all the support that they are still giving us today.
We hired a babysitter who first supported me with both kids, and then went on to look after them herself once the kids got to know her, so that I could have some time to go to a yoga class, meet friends or just write this blog. We’re lucky to have found the right person for our family who shares our values and culture and loves spending time with our children. We also waited until our baby was 9 months old, as I didn’t feel comfortable introducing him to a new person before that age.
The idea of me going away for a while to recover and basically sleep came up several times. I remember telling my therapist that my husband and I had had a weekend away in a lovely wellness resort, but the moment I got back home, I felt exhausted again. She explained that it takes at least two weeks for the body to actually recover from the lack of sleep that has accumulated in the past months and only then would it start regaining energy. The thought of going away for that long was not something I felt ready to do - and to be honest, even these days being away from my family for more than 3 nights is really hard for me.
While simply going away for a longer period of time was not something I was willing to do, my therapist did inform me that in Germany, there are special programmes for exhausted and burnout mothers where they can stay with their children. A similar offer has been set up in Switzerland by a private association, though it hadn’t opened yet when I looked into it: Hauszeit mit Herz . For any moms in Switzerland that are struggling, do have a look at their website, I truly believe it’s an amazing and much-needed offer! (for full transparency, I have been volunteering for them for the past few months)
Which lead me to take the longer, but more fitting road to recovery where I tried slowly to incorporate more and more time for myself and self-care into my life, from yoga classes, to dinner with friends, a weekend away, time to read and write, spa days. I read a lot of books and found ideas that supported me even during the more challenging periods when I was with the children. Breathwork and mindfulness have been very useful practices as it’s easy to add them to my daily life or refer back to them in a difficult moment of parenting without having to leave my children. My husband and I are currently taking a Mindful Parenting course which has already been so helpful in being more present with our children and building more awareness of our needs.
I journaled a lot in order to let go of perfectionism and control and focus on what the most important tasks in my life were. This is still my go-to activity whenever I feel down or lost.
All this to say that it feels to me like postpartum depression has gone from something that no one talks about to something that is being easily diagnosed these days. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it is a serious condition that needs treatment, I have seen friends go through it and I am grateful that it is a topic that we do talk about. I believe that whenever there is a suspicion of postpartum depression, it’s always better to talk to a health professional than risking that it might get worse.
But I also feel that sometimes, it’s easy to blame “postpartum depression”, when actually mothers are just reflecting something that society doesn’t want to see or deal with at this point: that the expectations put on mothers (and to an extend parents in general) are so high that we are just not able to fulfill them. With little kids, we work 24/7 non-stop. We often have additional jobs, because we studied for a long time, enjoy our work and were promised during our whole teenage years and 20s that we could have it all, that we could have the best of both worlds. Or simply for financial reasons. We are encouraged to have interests outside of being a parent because otherwise we loose ourselves and that damages our self-esteem, self-confidence and personality but also our relationships. Yet at the same time, unlike when our parents were children, we often live far away from our parents and family, and/or we cannot or don’t want to rely on them to look after our children.
We live in a society where parents cannot do it all, yet there is simply no support for them if they are unlucky to not have family who can help them on a regular basis (for whatever reason) or the financial means to pay help. So instead of blaming it all on postpartum depression and the female hormones (which - let’s face it - already do not have a good reputation and are often to blame for mood swings, etc.), maybe we should rather have a look at our society and reflect on what it is that we want for our future, for our children. Do we want them to keep feeling helpless as parents? To feel desperate, exhausted, lost and be told that this is a normal part of parenting? Or do we want them to know that there is support for them out there? That there are health providers that can offer them the help they desperately need as young parents at a cost that doesn’t discriminate those with lower salaries?
Let’s start taking the challenges of mothers in our society seriously and find real solutions so that they feel as a part of society, looked after in the most vulnerable season of their lives!