Lack of sleep and some things that supported my family
There's so much pressure around baby sleep! I remember that as soon as I was pregnant with my first son, I started worrying about the lack of sleep. Sleep is very important to me and I need enough of it to function properly. So the prospect of interrupted nights and less than 8h of sleep was really daunting.
Our first son was and still is a good sleeper. The little one on the other hand wakes at night - like most babies do! But for the first 15 months of his life, I struggled a lot with lack of sleep, feeling like I simply could not function, not knowing how to get through the day when I was already so tired and such bad sleep habits that when I actually had the possibility to sleep, I would lie awake for hours.
I'm not an expert on baby sleep and I know how frustrating the whole situation can be. I find it very difficult to stick to certain sleep routines, like making sure they fall asleep in their own bed, especially in the first year of their lives. At times, it felt like I knew it would benefit me and my sleep if they would fall asleep in their own bed, but at the same time, I did not have the energy to put into getting them to learn this in a gentle way. In a way, I had the hope that my boys would just sleep through the night early, despite the odds, and I would be able to get more sleep again. Our kids are a good example though that every child is different and that baby sleep can be challenging.
There are some things that have supported me in the past years though - some of them came up while working with a coach while others we figured out ourselves as a family. Let me share what has supported me and my family in the past 1.5 years:
Acceptance: your body still needs sleep, but I felt recently that my mindset in regard to my son's sleep has shifted. I have accepted that this is where we are at right now, with him sleeping through some nights, waking on others, sometimes sleeping in our bed. I'm not hoping anymore for him to sleep through the night when he turns X months, because it is important to me to support my son in his sleep as long as he needs me to. Accepting that this is our reality right now has helped me let go of the stress and worry about why he isn't sleeping better and just take the nights as they come.
Divide and conquer! In Spring last year, we decided that my husband would take over a night shift and feed our baby formula so I could have proper rest. Because our first son slept relatively well, this was never something that we had to reflect on before, but now we were in a situation where we just both needed to get at least enough rest to be able to make it through the day, ideally even a bit more. It also meant that I reduced breastfeeding in the night and we would introduce formula. It was a very hard decision for me, especially as I breastfed my oldest until 15 months, but the situations were very different. Ultimately, it meant taking a decision that was best for our whole family and this was it for us. Because
Letting go: it took me 6 months, lots of reflections and a couple of breakdowns from exhaustion to actually be able to let go and sleep while my husband got up in the night. I would wake when the baby cried, but be too tired to get up and pick him, yet I couldn't fall back to sleep. It took me months to let go of the guilt that I did not get up at night and let my husband to ALL the work. Until I realised that the guilt does not bring us more rest, that if my husband gets up at night to look after the baby, I owe it to him and to our family to lay the best conditions so I could actually sleep. For me, this meant sleeping with earplugs and an eye shade to improve my sleep quality and not hear my son cry at night. He was in good hands and well taken care of, so I finally managed to let go and get the rest I desperately needed.
Meditation and a calm evening routine: when I struggle to fall asleep, I usually turn to meditation because it helps me fall asleep without fail. When I realised that my sleep was getting really bad with long and frequent night wakings, I started to focus more on creating an evening routine as well as using meditation to fall asleep in the evening or during the night.
An early bedtime: once I started paying attention, I noticed that I often went to bed too late. Even though I'd get into bed around 9pm, I would often still read, watch Netflix, scroll on social media and actually only turn off the lights at 11pm. I've realised that when I go to bed before 10pm, I feel much more rested in the morning, no matter how long I get to sleep. Actually turning off the light early is still hard for me, because the evenings are often the only moments I get to do what brings me joy and not be interrupted by a kid. It's a work in progress and these days, I'm aiming for 1-2 nights a week where I start my evening routine as soon as the boys are asleep and turn off the light by 10pm.
Yoga nidra: the yogic sleep. I haven't dived into the science behind this one yet, but 20 mins of yoga nidra can make you feel as well rested as a couple of hours of sleep. It's not a magic solution and to be honest, it took me a while to trust the process, but whenever I feel exhausted by lunchtime, I will take 30 mins and do a yoga nidra meditation. It will leave me feeling more energised. I won't be running marathons but I will feel more patient and it will be easier to get through the rest of the day.
Focusing on what I can control: Just like acceptance, this has helped me let go of unnessary worry and frustration. I have finally managed in the past weeks to show up with getting annoyed at the baby for screaming, just go to his room, pick him from his bed and take him over to my bed to sleep there for the rest of the night. This mindset shift is huge for me, and I think it's far from achieved but it's a big step forward to the way I am showing up for my son. I have to admit though that this is so much easier if I have had a few nights of proper rest, than if I’m struggling with weeks of broken sleep and just feeling exhausted, impatient and frustrated most of the time.
I won't be able to get your baby to sleep, but in my 1:1 mini coaching programme, we can reflect on your current sleep situation and find ways that make it work for you and your family, letting go of any guilt or frustration along the way. You’ll find more information here or you can just drop me a mail with your questions!