Focusing on what I can control
Life is full of transitions, and it feels that with children, these are even more frequent: in the first year of life, babies learn to drink milk, eat, turn, crawl, babble, stand, maybe make first steps. Sleep patterns change frequently and even when we aren't going through any leaps, a cold can influence the habits we've taken. It feels like they keep you on your toes ALL the time - as soon as you have figured out one routine, something changes and you need to start all over again.
I've only been a mom for 4.5 years now, so I still have a lot to learn and experience, but I feel that transitions are something that will accompany us for the rest of our lives, maybe a bit less frequently at some point.
For our family, the big transition this summer was the start of kindergarten. Suddenly, our son is learning in a whole new environment with children and people that we don't know (yet). If you've got or had a 4-year-old, you may know that getting them to tell you what they did or learnt at school today is a near impossible task. For me, the first week of school meant accepting that I would not know all that happened in my son's life from now on.
It's another step in this process of letting go that is being a parent, and for me it's been a big one. It means accepting that he really has his own life, but also that as parents, my husband and I have prepared him for this. We have taught him what is right and what is wrong, how to stand up for himself and when to step back, how to socialise with other kids and how to get the rest he needs… Of course, as a 4-year-old, he does not grasp all of these concepts yet, so it's something that he will learn with time. Ultimately, that's all we can do as parents: do our best to equip our children with what they need to thrive in life and trust they will find their way.
I know that in kindergarten, the kids are in a relatively safe environment. But I also know that in the blink of an eye, he will be starting primary school and step by step, he will be becoming more and more independent, finding his own place in the world. It is very scary for me as a parent to let go, but at the same time, I am so proud to walk alongside him on this path and see the progress that he is making. I cannot control the experiences that he will make in life, with friends in school, maybe with teachers or later on in relationships, but what I can control is that I give him the tools that I see fit for him to navigate life.
“Parenting is often about things that we cannot control. We can’t control when our kids eat, sleep, what they want to do, when they throw tantrums, etc. What we can do is accept the way things are, teach them what we consider as essentiel to be a decent human and focus on what we can control in our lives.”
My toddler's sleep can be unpredictable. For a long time, I was counting the months and hoping that this was the month he would sleep through the night. Nowadays, he does sleep through the night from time to time, but he is a light sleeper and he can wake frequently when something bothers him (a noise, a cold, the temperature). It's still a work in progress but I have come to accept that this is what his sleep looks like right now and that he still needs the comfort and reassurance of his parents in the night at times. I have found a way that works for me in order to fulfill his needs but also get enough sleep myself, which means that he starts the night in his bed and if he wakes and I'm getting up (because to be fair, my husband is often the one who get up at night because he deals with lack of sleep and falling back asleep so much better than me), I take him over into our bed and he will just end the night there. I still get to spend the evening after the kids fall asleep alone in my bed reading, journaling and doing meditations, and once my son needs me, we have found a way that works for our family to give him what he needs and still fulfill our need of sleep.
It hasn't always been this easy and it's been a long road to get here. Mindset work is hard and takes a long time, but it is very rewarding once you have a breakthrough.
“Focusing on what I can control in my life with the kids has made some things so much easier, because I do not waste time fighting against the reality that we are in and wishing that it would be different. Instead I can use that energy to be more present with the kids and to find ways that support us as a family in this season of life.”
If you’d like to start some mindset work, I have created a mini coaching programme for working moms with 4 short but powerful 1:1 sessions to reflect on your needs and flip your mindset. I also offer different coaching packages as well as a free discovery call if you’d like to know more about my work before deciding on working with me.