Regretting motherhood - or not?

I recently had a discussion with a friend about the regretting motherhood movement: women admitting that if they could, they would not do it all over again. Parenthood is hard, there is no doubt about it, and I think it’s amazing that women - or parents in general - dare to speak up about this topic. And that got me thinking about how I felt, especially now that I’m in this newborn chaos phase with two kids under 3, sleepless nights and days where I feel like I’m doing 100 things at once, but nothing really for myself or my self care.

I did enjoy my life before becoming a mum: my husband and I traveled a lot, we visited family and friends in Brighton, Singapore, Copenhagen, California, went on a roadtrip through Florida, flew across Europe for weekend getaways several times a year. The first year after our elder son was born, we still went on some trips up till the pandemic hit… I don’t know how the past two years would have been without travel restrictions, but I know we would have for sure traveled less and differently than before. Yet I enjoyed taking my son on these little adventures and I can’t wait for our next trip to Singapore so I can take him to try all of my favorite local dishes!

Right now, I’m tired most of the time, I need to remind myself to brush my teeth and shower because I simply don’t have the time anymore and I spend most of my days with a baby attached to me. The reality is hard and I’m not one of those mothers who feel like it all comes naturally to them. I do actually look forward to my days at work (when I’m not on maternity leave), because it means that I can use the bathroom whenever I need to and I don’t constantly need to carry 5kg around with me.

As hard as it is though, I don’t regret becoming a mother. I love my two boys and feel that they are what makes our family complete. What I regret though, is the western conception of motherhood. The idea that I/we as a couple have to be able to do it all on our own. Because as much as I love my kids, I know I need time for myself, my self care, to recharge my batteries so I can show up as the best version of myself for them the next day. With two kids, it feels like each parent is constantly busy with one kid, as they each still have different needs and rhythms. Which means that at the end if the day, I need to choose if I want to spend some time on my self care or if I just drop into bed and sleep - until the baby wakes a couple of hours later.

I don’t regret becoming a mother or having a second child. But I regret that society has evolved in a way that it feels like we need to make it on our own. I regret that it’s difficult to find the necessary support from family or even a nanny or a babysitter, because of the way our society has grown apart and some options are a luxury that only a few can afford. But mostly I regret that mum guilt (and possibly dad guilt too) has become a reality and that just taking a little moment to do something we enjoy in order to recharge our batteries (always put on your oxygen mask first!) often is accompanied by the bittersweet aftertaste that we could have used this time for something ‘better’, more ‘useful’ for our kids, our household, our family…