38 - a reflection on birthdays and numbers
This week, I turned 38. Just saying this makes me feel old. The past year has been one of changes, finding ways to deal with stress, exhaustion, learning to live with the fact that I’ve got a few grey hair (not many, but not just one anymore), my first operation - so many things that have reminded me that the days were everything came easy, where I could take my body being healthy for granted, are over. Yet there is still so much gratitude and joy to be found in every day!
I feel that I’m slowly embracing where I am right now. I realise that in my late thirties, I am where I want to be: I have a loving partner, two adorable (and active) kids, a house in a place that we are really enjoying, and the flexibility to set up a life that I love on my own terms. I’m at a place where I have lived, I have worked, I have learned, I have been through pain and heartbreak - and all this has helped me be who I am today, but also learn what it is that I need and what I want.
I’m learning to embrace the slow, the process, because so many things in life are a process: parenthood, relationships, transitions and change, setting up a business. It’s not always easy to detach from the face-paced life that is surrounding us, yet I realise that I love my little corner of calm at home because this is where I can recharge my batteries and find new ideas and inspiration. At the same time, I love adventures, exploring new places, big cities. I’m learning to listen more to my needs and to untangle some beliefs that I have been holding onto for the past 35+ years.
Numbers at this point seem to fade away - does it feel different to be 38 and not 37 anymore? I don’t think so. Children show us how time is flying - I can’t believe that I soon have a two-year-old little boy. On his last birthday, he had just started walking, he didn’t talk much yet, sleep was unpredictable and he slowly started showing us what he wanted. Now he is running, chatting, sleeping (when he wants to) and very clearly communicating his desires (they often involve chocolate). But when I look back at the person I was last year - sure a lot has changed around the circumstances in my life: I was still employed and struggling in my job, I had just stopped breastfeeding and had a difficult time letting go, we were still living in another home and had a very different rhythm from today because we didn’t have a kid going to school yet. But I think deep down, I haven’t changed that much, just gotten to know myself a little better in this past year.
So let me share some lessons I’ve learned in the past 12 months:
Motherhood is a journey and a big transition for any woman. I’m still learning who I am as a mother and who I want to become. It’s ok to not have all the answers, but it’s so important to acknowledge that it’s not always as easy as it may be painted in social media.
Exhaustion, chronic stress, burnout - all these can be real in parenthood and impact your life more or less. Work-life balance is much sought after and in a way crucial but your expectations need to be realistic. Nearly two years of being a mother of two and I still get phases where I am completely overwhelmed. The exhaustion from the newborn phase has finally faded away - but I’m still often tired, have lower energy and get frustrated. It’s an illusion that this will stop - but I am learning to find ways to rest depending on the amount of time I have, to let go of what I don’t need and to embrace the season I am in.
Listen to yourself in order to know your needs and then act accordingly. Don’t compare yourself to others, because we are all different people with different needs. I don’t have the same energy levels as my husband and I’ve often felt guilty because I asked more often for breaks or nights where I can sleep through. I’ve also felt that he wasn’t resting enough, that he should be taking more breaks - yet we all have our unique ways of resting and recharging our energy and what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for him.
Friendships come in different forms and shapes, all of them are precious: the friends we’ve known our whole life but don’t see that often anymore, the new moms we’ve met recently that are going through similar experiences as us, the friends without children and/or partner who have been around for many years and stuck around despite all the transitions in our lives. Friendships may not look the same and we may not spend the same amount of time with our friends, but that doesn’t mean that they are not just as important. Mostly I’ve realised that what I am craving for in friendship are authentic and open connections - and this can be with someone I’ve known for years or with someone I’ve just met.
Setting up a business is hard work. It takes time and energy, there will be changes of direction and moments of giving up. But if it is right, if it feels aligned, you will not be able to let go of it and you will learn to embrace the journey one step at a time.
Moving house with children is exhausting and emotional. It’s easy to focus on what you are losing and worry about what you don’t know yet. But now, running into friends at the market or after swim class for a chat, being able to drop by for a coffee or go for a quick walk together, having lovely new neighbours and new playmates for our kids is invaluable - as are the connections formed with our old neighbours that we can still keep alive with a bit more effort.
They say children struggle with change. Yet I’ve realised that change and transitions have also been very difficult for me in the past couple of months. Maybe because we’ve moved and my son started kindergarten in the summer, so a big part of our life has changed. Honouring and accepting this means showing kindness and compassion to yourself. This is something I’d like to explore further: how to be show compassion to yourself as a mother / parent. I believe that in parenthood there are many situations that we simply cannot change, but kindness and compassion are two aspects that we often teach our children, but forget for ourselves.