Good parent or bad parent?
I recently met another mom and we discussed about judgement of others. As parents, we are exposed to a lot of judgement because a lot of people have an opinion of how you “should” be parenting and raising your children. From the amount you work as a mom (the work hours of dads are never questioned), to the way your kid behaves in public to the things you let them do (or not do) - there will always be someone judging somewhere.
I wonder if it’s the society we live in here in Switzerland or to an extend the whole Western culture, but we seem to always have an opinion on everything, especially where children are concerned. Having an opinion is great, it’s really important to be able to express and defend it, and it’s also essentiel as a parent so that we can offer our children some stability around the values and opinions that we have. However one important aspect is that it doesn’t mean that one way or another is wrong or better. It just means we do it differently.
From gossip to judgement and disrespect
Last year, we spent our holidays in a family resort in Spain. When families come together, there is of course comparison. Some people let their children watch the iPad while they enjoy a peaceful dinner. Others let them run around during an adult exercise class. Some children wear life vests in the pool while others don’t but the parents are always with them.
It’s easy to judge, to gossip about what one family is letting their children do that we would absolutely never do. And let’s face it, there is some fun in gossiping about others. I know I do it, and I am sure there are other parents talking about us too. Where things get tricky is when the gossip turns into proper judgement and disrespect.
We don’t let our children watch the iPad during a meal, no matter how annoying they get. We’d rather have them finish their food and go to the kids club if they are up for that, cut the meal short or split up so one of us takes them out. Meal time is for us family time, and though we enjoy dinners out as a couple, when we are with the children, we see it more practically.
Parenting is about the choices we make
That doesn’t mean that the parents who let their child watch cartoons at the dinner table are bad parents. It’s a choice that they make simply because that works better for them and their family. I don’t have to agree with it, but I do want to respect their opinion (which in this case means for me that I don’t judge them or look at them - just acknowledge that they are doing things differently and that’s not how we choose to do it for our family).
It’s a fine line there between expressing your opinion and judging others for what they are doing. But I also believe that if we’d show each other a little bit more support and respect as parents, rather than immediately judging each other, then life would feel just a little bit lighter.
For me, this means smiling that the mum who is carrying her sleeping toddler while I’m putting mine into the stroller after he had a massive tantrum. It’s about helping the parent who is struggling to get on the train or a bus with a stroller. Because we are all in this together. We have been the parent with the kids throwing a tantrum in the supermarket. We have had to raise our voices in public because our kids won’t listen. We have let our kids run around relatively safe public places simply because we needed a moment of peace and felt that this was ok in this situation.
We only see a snapshot of other people’s lives. So let’s not judge them from the outside but rather show them compassion, offer them a smile or even some help if we see that they are in a challenging situation. Because I know that I’ve been so grateful in those rare situations where this has happened to me in the past!