Re-claiming confidence in my career

I was employed nearly continuously for 12 years - not counting the student jobs between 16 and 25. I’ve worked in journalism, communications, event management and policy analysis. My career was not linear - I didn’t stay in one company and I didn’t always do exactly the same work. I held 5 different positions - though most of them in governmental roles.

In those 12 years, I’ve been part of great teams and encountered challenging superiors. I’ve learnt and grown, knowing exactly what it is important for me in a paid position. I’ve participated in one of the world’s most prestigious economic events, I’ve been part of the French president’s delegation for a state visit, I’ve sat in Swiss Parliament watching the debate unfold, I’ve written reports for one of the highest governmental representatives in the country, I’ve organised a conference for over 300 people, I’ve built up social media accounts, I’ve dined at the ambassador’s residence, I’ve analysed the media in French and German on a daily basis for 4 years.

And despite all of these amazing opportunities and experience - along with positive feedback from my superiors and colleagues, I don’t feel like I’ve done well.

A feeling of failure

Whenever I am asked in a job interview to give an example of a failure or a challenge that I faced in my experience - I struggle to find one. Because I have done everything I could to be perfect.

Yet I feel like a failure because I grew up with the idea that you finish your studies, start a job and then stay there, climb the career ladder, become the boss someday. A very traditional patriarchal image. An image that was the reality for many people in my parents' generation - them included. Why? Because they lived in different times. They had less (different?) opportunities than we do today (which can be a blessing too). They learnt to be content with what they have, even if they maybe suffer on a daily basis - while we strive to grow, to move forward, to want more.

Competing devotions

In my Mama Rising training, I came across the concept of Competing devotions from the author Mary Blair-Loy. She points out how highly positioned women in the workplace struggle as they become mothers. Their job is their calling - but at the same time, being a mother is their purpose in life. They feel pulled between being present and giving their most in the workplace, and wanting to be there for their children. This is true for many mothers in the work place. According to Mama Rising, “the only way to resolve this is for a mother to come back to her values and realistically look at what is important to her right now”.

Last September, I was lucky enough to have an interesting opportunity with an amazing boss that I could see myself working with for the next 5 years. Yet I was feeling extremely anxious and exhausted after only 3 weeks. Why was I feeling so burnt out? It was at that point that I learnt about competing devotions. When reflection on this idea, I realised that I was trying to juggle being a mother (more than a full-time job, being on call 24/7), running a household (at least part-time together with my husband), starting a business to support mothers (something that I feel deeply passionate about), being employed part-time, creating connections with my husband, my family, my friends, and somehow looking after myself. There were at least 3-4 full-time jobs in all the tasks I was trying to juggle. Something had to give, and at the rate I was going, it was my mental health, a sacrifice I’m not willing to make. I’ve reflected on each role that I want to take on in my life and realised that right now, being employed part-time - while this is what mothers are expected to do by society - is not a priority. My time is not infinite and care work takes A LOT of time and energy.

I’m still learning to accept that my path is my own, that I cannot have it all (at least not at the same time), despite having been told so all of my life. It’s a process of letting go of deeply ingrained beliefs that aren’t serving me anymore.

Re-defining my values

Ultimately, it all came back to my personal values. I needed to let go of the belief that my worth was only defined through my job. The care work I am doing at home is just as important. And that it’s ok if I don’t earn as much as my husband as I set up my business and find my own path.

While the paid employment was everything that I could ask for, it just did not fit the person I have become over the years in my own matrescence journey. I’ve grown as a mother, as a woman. I’ve become more confident, more honest, more determined. I know what I want and that is the vision I want to work towards, that is what I want to spend my time with when I’m away from my children. Doing meaningful work that counts for me.

I realise now that through this experience I have demonstrated strength in a way I never thought I’d be capable of. Building my own business was never something that I considered when I was younger. It wasn’t something that my parents taught me as a possibility. It still is something that is considered as risky and unstable - and up until now, I didn’t have the confidence to pursue it 100% because I always had a back up plan.

At the end of February, I’ll finish my training as a Mama Rising Facilitator. Reading Amy Taylor-Kabbaz' book after the birth of my second son was eye opening. I can’t believe that we don’t talk about matrescence just like we talk about birth plans or breastfeeding during pregnancy. I see now the value of mothering, the strength we demonstrate on a day-to-day basis even if it doesn’t coincide with the definition of “strong” that we grew up with. I’ve loved supporting working mothers in the past 2 years through my coaching programmes and I will continue to do so, including the knowledge I’ve gained through this training. I want to be part of a movement that raises awareness about these topics around motherhood, because while feminism has had its perks, we still do not recognise the specific needs of mothers in our society!

If you’d like to know more about matrescence and the different ways to work with me, drop me an e-mail to set up a free Connection Call.