What I wish I'd known before becoming a mom of two
One of my closest friends recently had her second baby. My youngest is now 2.5 years old, yet I can still remember how I felt after he was born. The one thing that hit me the most was that I now had two children to look after - two different needs, two tiny humans who wanted Mommy, two kids crying… This got me thinking about how I felt before having kids when my friends became mothers. Especially when they become mothers the second time, I mostly thought that it was no big deal - after all, they had done it before. Boy, was I wrong!
So let me share some things that I wish I’d known before becoming a mom of two kids:
There are actually 2 of them! It seems quite obvious, but this one hit me quite hard. There are the needs of another human being to take into account 24/7. With one child, you can often still balance your needs and your kids’ needs. It’s easier to find some time for yourself for example when they are sleeping. With two kids, it feels like there is ALWAYS a kid to take care of. The first months with a baby anyway feel like you are on call day and night. If the older kid is having quiet time while the younger one is napping, there’s the responsibility of making sure they are ok. It’s a constant juggle between everyone’s needs - and if you are a perfectionist like me, it’s hard to accept that you are not able to meet everyone’s needs or that one of your children will have to wait for a bit. I felt like my brain was constantly trying to estimate whose needs were more important right now, mine, my toddler’s or the baby’s. It can be exhausting! But the good news is that it does get easier with time - or maybe you get used to the juggle? The most important thing though is that you make sure that your own needs come first sometimes and look after yourself.
Two kids sometimes feel like 10: there are days that feel like you are looking after more than “only” two little ones. Those days when the baby needs a lot of attention and you feel that you are spending a big part of the day feeding them, changing diapers and getting them to sleep. At the same time, your toddler is clearing out the shelves, distributing all the contents over the floor, refusing to nap after you’ve finally put the baby down. Those days are tough - if you are struggling, don’t hesitate to call the friend or family member who lives close by to just drop by even for half an hour for a chat and maybe to hold the baby while you hop into the shower. Chances are, they would be very happy to come and support you, because you would do the same for them.
Having a child is ALWAYS a big deal - what is easier is that you already know how to change nappies and have the confidence that another kid before them has survived. I was one of the last of my group of friends to have a baby. When my friends had their first child, we all gathered up to make them a gift and find a date together once the baby was born to go and visit. We took time to think it through and really select something we thought they’d really enjoy. Some of my friends had their second child before I even had my first - and I remember that when they announced their second pregnancy, the novelty had worn off. There were no more big announcements and no Whatsapp groups to coordinate a present and a visit. Because it was the second child and they’d done it before. That’s what I thought. Until I had a second child. I realised that I had as much respect of birth the second time round as I had the first time. Things didn’t go the way I had expected in certain ways. I felt overwhelmed and vulnerable after my second son was born and there are many ways - especially in the hospital - where I would only now after two births know how to stand up for myself. Yet I also feel that maybe if I were to have a third child, it would be a very different kid again with different small challenges in the initial baby stage - and I’d once again feel worried and unsure how to stand up for them. If your friend is pregnant with their first, second, third or fourth kid, always assume it is a big deal for them and that the worries and anxiety is real! Talk to them and ask them how you can support them, especially with the older kids - or ask for support if you are the pregnant mother.
The love does grow! Something that I often read before having a second baby was that mothers worried they wouldn’t love their second child as much as they love their first one - or that they’d stop loving the first one. I remember saying goodbye to my firstborn when we went to the hospital for the birth of his baby brother. I felt so emotional and sad that I’d now not be able to give him my full attention anymore and that he’d have to share it. Yet I realise that no matter how much attention each kid gets (depending on the phases of life that they are in), my love for both of them has just been there from the moment they were born. It was not an overwhelming emotional process, just that deep sense that this is exactly where they belong to and that we are a family now. More than two years later, both kids can drive me crazy, but one thing that I do not ever question is my love for them - and it’s a love that feels exactly the same for both kids, even if at times I might prefer doing certain activities with only one kid.
There is a lot of joy in seeing them grow up together and how their relationship to each other evolves. I’m an only child so I’ve never experienced the sibling relationship. My hope for my boys is that they grow up to have a good relationship with each other - no matter how that looks like for them. I hope that they show each other mutual respect and can support each other, especially in situations where they might feel that we parents cannot support them. Now that my youngest is 2.5 years old, they slowly have similar interests. I love watching them play next to each other, sharing toys or just being content with each other’s company. I’m proud of the way they comfort each other when one of them is sad. And I’m really happy that they get to share this special bond with each other that will hopefully support them on different paths of their own journey.
But all the fighting… While the first year with a baby is often quite full-on, I did feel like we just spent those 12 months mainly doing what my toddler wanted or needed to do. His brother just tagged along, mostly in the baby carrier on my chest, and was happy to do so. Then the little one started moving, walking, playing… and the fighting started! They ALWAYS want THAT one same car even though we have probably 100 small cars. The little one destroys the Lego constructions his brother built. I’m currently reading a book by German author Nicola Schmidt on the sibling relationship and she quotes experts who say that siblings fight around 6 times an hour - that’s every 10 minutes! No wonder it feels like they are constantly fighting! I haven’t found the solution that works for us to resolve these conflicts yet, but some of the parents of our Mindful Parenting course with older kids said that meditation and mindfulness helped them with the constant fights. I feel that with a 2-year-old it’s still quite hard to have a rational discussion, but we keep trying.
And then there are the moments of pure joy. Especially now that my youngest is a bit bigger, we can enjoy many activities together, like going to the zoo, drawing, reading books, going to the playground, having an ice-cream. We just booked tickets to a kids concert that our oldest son really loves, but as his brother also starts singing the songs, we decided to take him along. I am looking forward to taking them to Singapore in July and sharing my favourite local dishes with them - it’s still not the same with a 2-year-old (and to be fair can be quite unpredictable) but it’s things that we can all do together, all the 4 of us as a family.